SYNOPSIS :

In 2008, the Straits Times quoted women activists as saying that half of all married men took the ferry to Batam regularly for less than savoury pursuits. If the statistics were that dire, it implied that the monogamy enshrined in the Women's Charter was an ideal that was out of touch with the real world. Should our laws uphold an ideal that half our population cannot live up to? Thankfully, the real world is less gloomy. In Sex, Lies and Videotape, we take an inside look into the mind of man's best friend. The question is : do the men near you think like their best friend?

It was s sleepy baby girl. Dick grinned when he saw the baby being placed in the baby cot. That’s right, put the little brat, the little crybaby, the scheming little enchantress out of the way for the night.

‘Shhh…’ Serene cautioned for silence, ‘be quiet now. Mustn’t wake the baby.’

Dick grinned. Dick grinned because he was part of the conspiracy to keep the baby out of the way for the night. That meant that they were going to have some fun that night. Serene, Danny and him… Dick.

They used to hop into bed every night. All three of them. And he would snuggle between her silky thighs and roll into Danny’s powerful arms, and pant hungrily as he watched Danny reach over to caress Serene’s cheeks, and kiss her neck tenderly. On many occasions, things would get really physical, really hot.

That was, until the little tot came.

The little brat changed everything. When the baby first arrived, Dick wondered why the others fussed over it so fastidiously. After a few days, Dick realised that the baby could not walk. Poor creature! Babies amongst Dick’s kindred had no problem walking soon after birth. The baby was lame. That was why the others treated the baby with such care. Dick resolved to be more sympathetic to the baby’s plight.

They plonked the baby girl in the middle of the bed. Everyone had to move about gingerly to avoid squashing it. Danny and Serene would not let Dick hop into bed with them any more. But over the months, the baby wriggled its legs, started to crawl, climbed onto its two hind legs and rolled about the house in its baby walker. Still the others invested all their attention towards the baby. The interest they took in the baby’s first garbled words, its first tottering steps, and the daily variations in the colour of baby’s faeces simply defied all logic. Needless to say, Dick stopped being sympathetic to the baby.

But on those occasions when Serene put the baby away…

‘How was your trip, darling?’ Serene asked casually.

She was Cleopatra, slithering across the rivers and seas to her monumental Rome. Her monument was pondering over the backdated newspapers of the past week on the sofa.

‘As usual. One whole week of meetings.’

‘Was it hot in Bangkok?’

She brushed her fingers over Danny’s ears and gently massaged his neck muscles.

‘Hmm…’

Danny tossed his papers aside and closed his eyes.

‘Very hot in the day. But very lonely at night.’

‘Didn’t your Thai counterparts,’ she kissed his neck, ‘take you out to paint the town red at night?’

‘No.’

He buried his face in her bosom.

‘Everyone had a family to go back to.’

‘Is that so?’ she asked, with a twinkle in her eye.

He looked up at her for a moment.

‘The baby’s asleep,’ she said with a smile.

He smiled. Dick knew that smile. It was a naughty smile. A Kevin Costner smile. Mischievous. Sheepish. As they got up from the sofa, Dick bounded happily for the lighted bedroom, landed squarely across the bed and watched the other two’s approach.

Danny waited at the doorway while Serene climbed into bed and bundled Dick into her arms to make room for Danny. As Dick sank luxuriously into her bosom, the lights went out and his doggy eyes could see the dark figure of Danny approaching and stripping off his pyjamas. As Danny slid onto the bed his bare, naked body glistened. A Robin Hood wriggling behind his water fall. A hand groped about Dick’s furry body until it found Serene’s hands. Dick found himself sandwiched and squeezed in a sensurround of tactile stimulation. But when Danny tried to roll over to get even more intimate with Serene, Dick decided he had had enough. After all, when the elephants make love, even the grass gets trampled upon!

So with a little yelp, he wriggled out of the entwined bodies and bounced onto the floor out of harm’s way. He scampered around the bed and found himself staring face to face with the Crack of Mount Doom. No fissure in Middle Earth could excite more passion or invite greater calamity. Dick turned around to settle down at this place on the sheepskin rug. But the lovers’ excitement was too infectious to ignore. So he scurried to the bedside to watch the symphony triumphing into its fourth movement. It was over all too soon.

What happened to the exquisite expectations of the first movement? The gentle exploration and intimate communications of the second movement? And the slow but irresistible buildup of the third?

There was a time when Danny was like a conductor nursing his orchestra through the four movements, bringing to life every musical nuance and caressing every harmonic sensitivity. He would climb into bed boldly for the first movement. The clothes were undone by the second movement. Dick had to scamper out of the way somewhere in the third movement. With the approach of the symphonic climax in the fourth movement, Danny would throw his head about, bow and strain his back and shoulders passionately like a screeching violin and unleash the torrent of music so thunderous that the entire bed shook with its intensity.

And Serene? Serene was the music score, the embodiment of all the inspiration and art in fair white fabric, fanciful lines and contours.

That was a lone time ago.

The bed stopped shaking. Danny turned around without bowing. He was playing to an audience that had stopped clapping. He flopped onto his back, exhausted by a score whose music he had played too many times before.

Dick had often wondered at the strange intimate habits of the other two. Amongst his kin, it was simple. The males and females left each other alone until the females went on heat. When the females were on heat, they wrapped themselves in this wonderful fragrance that was irresistible to the males. Hence the males were in tune with the biological rhythms of the females.

But Danny and Serene! First, Serene was fond of wrapping herself in layer upon layer of fabric and all sorts of strange and alien scents that concealed all her secret fragrances. Secondly, Danny seemed to be driven by his own biological rhythms rather than Serene’s. Talk of waste of precious resources and bad timing! All the perspiration and energy expired and so little achieved.

Dick climbed onto the bed to lay beside the couple, grateful that the baby was in the baby’s room. He looked at Serene. She was even more of a puzzle. He was not even sure whether her biological rhythms were similar to his kin’s. A gentle moan here. A few sighs there. And that was the height of her female passion. After a session of lovemaking, she often lay wide awake, listening to the uneven snores reverberating in the bedroom. Dick could not tell from her passive form whether Serene enjoyed the whole exercise.

But she seemed satisfied. The insecurity of one week alone at home with no one but Dick and the baby for company while Danny was gallivanting somewhere in Bangkok had been dispelled. She rested her cheeks against Danny’s shoulder and drifted off into her dreams.

‘Did you miss me?’ Serene murmured into the darkness.

There was a sleepy pause.

‘Yes.’ The darkness answered.

H

The next day was a Sunday. Dick would tell because nobody went to work on Sunday. The man wanted to show Serene a secret. But it would have to wait, he said. There were chores to be done.

The laundry, the lunch and the baby took up all their time. Dick lay on the armchair and watched disdainfully while the two adults crawled and babbled and wrestled with the baby.

Finally, Serene decided to coax the excited but exhausted baby to take its afternoon nap. As she tugged the baby into its cot, Danny rolled the television rack into the bedroom. From the corner of his eye, Dick could see the man nudging his wife. He whispered something in the ear and she smiled. Her lips twitched in bemused puzzlement as he led her to the bedroom.

Now what were the two up to? Dick thought as he slid from his armchair to follow the couple. As Danny slot a video tape into the video recorder, Dick saw the smile on Serene’s face fade gradually into apprehension. Dick hopped onto her lap.

‘What are you doing?’

‘A video tape. That’s what I want to show you,’ Danny grinned sheepishly.

‘What kind of tape?’ Serene asked suspiciously.

‘A special kind. You’ll see.’

The screen flickered to life. The opening credits were accompanied by some music with a pulsating beat and a tune that kept repeating itself like a jingle.

Danny climbed onto the bed gingerly.

Dick watched the scene unfolding on television. A car rolled to a stop at the car porch. Its Caucasian driver carried a vacuum cleaner to the typical English country house. He could have been a delivery man or a salesman. It did not matter.

The doorbell chimed. An English lady in a miniskirt and high heels led him into the house. She could have been an overdressed housewife or under-dressed housemaid (depending on which part of the anatomy you were looking at). It did not matter.

The man and the woman looked salaciously at each other. Then without further ado, they were tearing the clothes off each other.

Dick grinned. It was comical. The way humans spent so much time covering and uncovering their bodies. But Serene was not amused. He could feel her stiffening. She was sitting with a straight back like a schoolteacher and pouting irritably like a schoolgirl.

The man and the woman rolled about on a king-sized bed. By now, they were in their element. Bare. Wild. And abandoned. Dick watched in astonishment. The woman refused to lie still. She rolled about. She climbed all over her partner. She applied herself to all the different parts of his anatomy. And vice-versa.

Dick was confused. All the bitches he knew were passive. If not, it would be impossible for the dogs to mount them. Dogs had to learn the hundred and one things that dogs do. From the time the dog became enamoured with that special fragrance, to the time when the dog must take command. Be still, and know that I am a dog! That was the command. And the bitches? All they needed to do was to obey that command and be still.

Suddenly, Serene pushed Dick off her lap.

‘This is disgusting.’ She wrinkled her nose. ‘I’m not going to watch any more of this stuff.’ She marched out of the room.

‘Hey!’ Danny got up quickly to follow her.

But Dick’s eyes were glued to the television set. He shared Serene’s annoyance. The woman refused to behave. If a bitch did not behave, Dick knew what he would do. He would bite her neck! Yes he would. So he could not understand why the man did not bite the woman. In fact, the man seemed to be enjoying himself. The silly man! Dick turned away from the screen just as Danny came marching back into the bedroom. His face was red.

‘You saw that? You saw how she reacted!’ Danny fumed. His feelings were a mixture of anger, disappointment and…

‘She said it was repulsive – I was repulsive!’

… and humiliation.

‘Repulsive! Repulsive?’ Danny repeated to his captive audience. ‘I thought it would be educational.’ Danny threw his head back into his pillow in exasperation. ‘It would have made it easier for us to start talking about our sex life, at least.’

Serene appeared at the doorway. Her face was deathly white. She was stricken with apprehension and… and what?

‘Aren’t you going to switch that damn thing off?’

Dick froze. Such strong language! Serene must be feeling mad.

‘Do you know this is criminal? Watching this tape and having it in our house…’ she pronounced the words “our house” emphatically, ‘… is a crime!’

‘And look at her. Look at that damn bitch!’

Serene pointed accusingly at the woman on the screen. Dick’s ears pricked up. He was affronted. Certainly not. Females in his species did not behave like that!

‘She’s a sex slave. If you wanted a sex slave, you should have married a prostitute!’

And with that, Serene turned her head indignantly and walked away.

There was a long pause in which Danny lay staring at the ceiling while the television moaned and groaned distractingly. Dick looked from the silent man on the bed to the energetic couple on the screen. Danny had lost interest in the video. His eyes were sad and his mind, a thousand miles away.

‘We’re sexually incompatible, aren’t we?’ Danny mumbled to the ceiling. ‘You know it is strange, the way we take so much care in choosing our lifetime partners.’ He shook his head grimly, ‘We take months or even years to match our temperaments, our interests, our attitudes on various major subjects before we translate our physical attraction into love.’ His thoughts tumbled from his lips in trickles, as if it took great effort to organize their incoherent shapes and nuances. ‘Yet we do not experiment sexually before marriage. Or at least not sufficiently to see whether we’re sexually compatible.’ He grimaced at his own short-sightedness.

‘The fact that such tapes are banned in Singapore does not make it any easier, either.’ Danny sighed heavily.

What was it about this country that its women screamed at the sight of sexually explicit material, the Government publicly humiliated its men who watched them, and husbands and wives could not discuss the most intimate and vulnerable moments that they shared?

Danny heaved himself off the bed with an effort and switched off the television. When he saw that the watchful canine was alert to the antics of the couples on screen and off, he ruffled his fur ruefully.

‘It gets boring, anyway. They keep repeating the same things over and over again.’

H

The car rolled to a stop at the car porch. No, there was no English country house and no Caucasian driver. The viewing of the video tape was some weeks ago, and it had already passed out of his canine memory and had not been mentioned since. Dick popped his head through the car window and barked at the adults to remind them to open his car door. It was their weekday routine.

In the morning, the four of them would troupe to the grandmother’s place. Serene’s mother would be there waiting eagerly for them. The old lady would collect the sleepy bundle of joy into her arms and pack the two adults off to work. Come evening time, the two would return to pick up Dick and the baby.

But this time, they had a few bags full of groceries. With one arm full of groceries and the other cradling the baby, Serene just managed to ease open the back door for Dick before trotting off into the house.

Danny’s briefcase was lying on the back seat. The briefcase, that Danny carried with him on all his business trips, was always locked. Dick was not allowed to touch it. But it had this distinctive smell of leather mixed with a potpourri of other aroma – a mixture of tobacco, cologne, beer and a myriad other scents accumulated over the years. Dick could not leave it behind.

He sniffed at the briefcase, poked his nose at its leathery texture and tried to carry it along with its handle between his teeth. But as he jumped from the seat to the ground, the handle slipped and the briefcase came tumbling down, and its bright golden lock snapped open. The briefcase unfolded itself unceremoniously and a bundle of papers flew onto the car porch.

Dick jumped away with fright. Danny was bound to be angry. His precious briefcase on the ground! Dick tried to close the briefcase, but all he succeeded in doing was to scratch the black leather against the uneven ground. Within a moment, Serene appeared at the doorway.

‘Look what you have done, you naughty boy! A good whack on the head is what you need.’

Dick bounded to the back of the car with a repentant whine.

‘If you can’t behave yourself, you’ll be locked out of the house. No more bed. No more sofa or sleeping rug, you hear?’

Dick laid his head on the ground mournfully.

‘And the flies and toads… will… will…’ Serene’s voice drifted off into silence.

Dick lifted his head two inches off the ground to peer into the silence. Serene was frowning at a stack of hotel and restaurant bills. Her lips were parted in surprise and Dick watched as they curled slowly and savagely into grim, angry lines. She pushed away a few folders of documents and glanced through the pockets in the brief case. From the depths of its leathery hide, her fingers lifted a photograph.

She was motionless for a moment.

Dick cocked his head to one side in puzzlement. He could not understand why she was so grim over an overturned briefcase. He was apprehensive about the thoughts flitting through her mind. Was he to be locked out of the house? Was he to be left to the mercy of the toads and flies and all the creepy-crawly things that preyed in the night?

Suddenly, as if a valve had been release, the animation came to life. Serene dumped the files and papers back into the briefcase and made several attempts to close the lock. She glared furiously at the lock that would not close. In a fit of exasperation, she threw the briefcase back onto the ground. The files and papers came flying out in a mess just as before. But she did not seem to care. She simply stiffened and marched back into the house.

Dick trod after her anxiously. But at the thought of his misdeeds splayed on the ground, he scampered back to the briefcase in a state of confusion. He nudged and pushed the briefcase with his nose, then realizing its futility, he bounded into the house to look for Serene.

She emerged from the bedroom, swept the startled baby from the baby walker into her bosom and paced agitatedly about the living room. A quick check and Dick confirmed that Danny was in the bathroom. What should he do? He had done something terribly wrong. But what was it? Why wouldn’t Serene talk to him? Stop pacing; he wanted to yell as he pranced to and fro in step with the anxious lady. What demons are battling in the heart and mind of the woman? Stop and talk to me! He whimpered as he rubbed his head against her ankle.

Finally Serene stopped pacing. Her eyes looked hard and uncompromising. She had made a great decision and Dick feared the worst. She marched into the baby’s room and gathered some baby items into a bag and lifted the car keys from the dining table. Where was she going? Dick was in a panic now. Was she taking him along?

As Serene manoeuvred the baby into the baby sitter, Dick could contain himself no longer. He stood at the driveway and whined and barked. Yes he was sorry now. He wouldn’t do it again. He would not touch the bloody briefcase any more. He swore on the grave of his canine ancestors. Promise!

Serene paused to look down at Dick. She bent a little to stroke his face and Dick could see the slight trace of tears in her eyes.

‘It’s not your fault,’ she whispered grimly. ‘I’m going to Grandma’s place now for a little while. Okay?’

‘Woof! Woof!’

That was not okay. Dick was worried now. This was not part of the weekday routine. Dick wanted an explanation. But his cries fell on deaf ears.

‘Good boy, now.’ Serene patted his head, led him back into the house and drove off with the baby to Grandma’s home.

H

Dick lay on the sheepskin. He felt miserable. Serene must have had a rough day. The briefcase was probably the last straw. Perhaps she simply needed to get away for a little while. But Danny. Danny would be angry indeed. Not only had he messed up his briefcase, but he had upset the lady as well!

Dick pricked his ears when the sound of the shower stopped. Presently, Danny stepped out of the shower room. Dick pranced to and fro at his feet impatiently. He wanted Danny to talk to the car porch and pick up the folders and papers. He would be spanked. He would be chastised. He deserved it. But the important thing was to put things right and get Serene back.

He fretted as he waited for the man to perform his strange evening routines. All done so that his mouth would smell like mint and his body like lavender!

‘Serene?’ Danny called out to an empty house. ‘Where is she?’

‘Woof! Woof!’

‘The baby is gone too – and without telling me, either.’ Danny threw his pyjama top onto the dining chair. ‘Now, where could she have gone with the baby?’

‘Woof! Woof!’

Dick had been treading all over Danny’s feet to nudge him towards the car porch. Abandoning this tactic he hopped over to the door and stood there barking instead.

‘Quiet, Dicky!’ Danny raised his voice. ‘You’ve made enough noise already!’

‘Woof! Woof!’

‘What is it?’

Danny was puzzled at the incessant barking. He came over to the window. The car porch was dark. But he could see his folders and papers fluttering in the breeze.

‘Why, you naughty dog.’

He went out to pick up the briefcase and stared at the bills and photograph lying on the ground.

‘It was in the pocket…’ He stooped down to pick up the photograph. ‘Oh my God… Serene!’

He sank, half-kneeling, to the ground as he surveyed the mess.

Dick was relieved to see that Danny was not angry. He was delighted to be proven right. Yes, everything was going to be all right. He pranced about excitedly. Get up, you goof! Get on the telephone. Tell Serene not to be angry. Tell her to come back. Hey, what’s the matter? What’s wrong? Dick’s tail stopped wagging. He stared at Danny resting his head in his hands.

‘I’ve goofed up, haven’t I?’

‘Woof!’ Dick replied enthusiastically.

‘Do you know what I’ve done?’

So. Confession time? Dick shook his head vigorously to clear his ecclesiastical vision. Danny shook his to clear a troubled conscience.

‘I’ve had an affair with another woman.’

Dick froze for a second. He had to consider the implications of the revelation for a moment. The concept was, of course, alien to him. Coming from a specie that did not practise monogamy, Dick had to grapple with the concept.

‘I was not in Bangkok for business. I was in Phuket with a business acquaintance of mine.’

His doggy eyes blinked thoughtfully. All right, Danny had had an extramarital affair. Was Danny less of a man for the affair? Or less of a moral being? And why should the answer to one be different from the other? If the definitive qualities of a moral being differed from that of a man, was it the man who was basically immoral, or the morals which were basically inhuman?

‘I’ve never been involved in an affair before. It is a very strange experience,’ Danny continued. He looked up at the stars and his mind traveled to a different time and space. ‘You won’t understand how terrible I feel about it.’ Danny paused to reflect on his inner turmoil. ‘But at the same time, at the same time, I feel exhilarated by it.’ Danny had to struggle with his words. ‘I feel like I’m reborn. I don’t seem to be able to stop it.’

Dick pricked up his ears. What was this? A man without a free spirit? A recent manifestation of compulsive behaviour? Maybe it was the other woman’s scent. A special fragrance. Dick was sure he knew what the problem was: Serene’s sweet but sexless perfumes!

‘Yes, I know I’m not in love with this acquaintance. And I know Serene will be hurt by the affair.’ Danny was perplexed by his own actions. ‘I still care for Serene. So why do I do it?’

The man buried his face in hands in guilt and shame.

Why? Dick cocked his head to one side. Yes, why do men and women get married? Why do they believe in the ideal of monogamy? Why do they put a leash on the dog they love and chains on the people they cherish? Dick licked his lips and whined sympathetically.

‘So tell me why!’ Danny’s cry reverberated in canine ears.

The startled Dick jumped a foot away and barked irritably.

Why? Because she satisfies some low down sub-vertebral need, you bird-brain! The retort lingered on Dick’s tongue. So what was it that she did? Dick barked. Did she massage your ego? Or some other more physical asset? Dick barked at the man who was looking for some lofty complicated theory to explain away a simpler but less palatable answer. Dick barked at the Gordian knots that men tie in their own minds.

H

The car rolled into the driveway. It was Saturday afternoon. Dick had not seen her for several days and he jumped happily to greet her. But one look at Serene’s face and his tail stopped wagging.

She marched right into the bedroom without a word to anyone. Danny watched her apprehensively. Dick shivered at the chill of human emotions. His shiny fur looked fluffy and uneven. After a moment Danny folded his newspapers gingerly and tiptoed into the bedroom. He closed the door, leaving Dick to tread around impatiently in the living room like an expectant father.

For a while, the quiet was heartening. Dick could imagine the two of them hugging and kissing and making up for all the fuss and unhappiness that they had caused each other. Then, Serene would whip up a great dinner, and it would be like old times again. Just the three of them.

But no. His ears pricked up. He could hear Serene’s voice. Her voice was harsh. Trust. She was speaking of trust. Intermission. Dick could not hear Danny’s reply. Serene’s voice again. But louder. She was almost yelling. The anger lashed out like tongues of fire. The door reverberated with her anger. Dick could feel the whole house shaking. Or perhaps the tremor came from within. His canine feet were wobbly. Smash! The sound of glass breaking. Was this The Taming Of The Shrew? Or Thelma’s revenge in some mid-Western American car park?

He whined at the door. But they could not hear him. He pawed at the door. But it would not budge. Look what he had done! They were fighting inside the bedroom. He wished he had not played with the briefcase. He swore never to sniff at its fragrance again. The skeletons in it were too terrifying!

Suddenly the door was flung open.

‘Boy, was I taken for a ride!’ Serene yelled hotly.

At a glance, Dick could not tell whether her eyes were glittering with hatred or glistening with tears. She marched out with her head held high on her moral pedestal. She had been a good wife. She had performed all her duties. She had been wronged.

‘I thought such things might happen to others, but not to me. I thought I could trust you.’ Her eyes flashed accusingly. Men! Men were deceitful. Men could not be trusted. Her eyes seemed to say.

‘It must have been going on for sometime,' she spat out the words bitterly.

‘I was a fool not to have noticed. The video tape… this is what it was all about isn’t it? That woman’s idea…’ and her hard, brittle voice broke – somewhere deep in her heart a river of self pity broke through the barricades of self restraint. Her image of her self, her family, her career and her security was collapsing around her. And the tears flowed down her cheeks. ‘How?’ she cried at the trembling walls, ‘how can I ever trust you again?’

She brushed away her tears angrily and marched off to her car.

Dick recoiled from the torment of anger and pain. When Serene marched out of the house, he was frantic. Hey, don’t just walk out! It was only one affair. His canine mind could not understand why these humans made such a big fuss out of an affair. He jumped about the living room, whined when he heard the footsteps at the driveway, and barked at the motionless man crouching at the bedroom doorway. Do something! Call her back! Plead, beg. Don’t just stand there! But it was futile, of course. The man had too much pride to plead and beg.

‘Stop it!’ Danny unleashed his frustrations at the barking dog. ‘Can’t you see that my marriage is falling apart?’ He went to the window and stood for a long time contemplating his empty driveway.

Presently he sat on the floor and threw his head back against the wall. He closed his eyes fiercely to fight the tears welling in his eyes. He was such a miserable sight that Dick whined woefully. Danny reached out and stroked the furry neck absent-mindedly while he sat and mulled over his marital woes.

Presently, the man stirred and glared grimly into the doggy eyes. ‘I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do.’

Dick pondered for a moment. Can’t help you there, buddy, he wanted to reply. Canines just screw around. It’s our God-given right. If humans think there’s something wrong with that, only humans can tell you what to do.

‘I don’t even know whether I can stop seeing this… this friend… this acquaintance.’ Danny shook his head sadly. ‘I should call her my lover… but I’m not even in love with her!’

Gee, that sounds like a linguistic paradox. Dick shook his head vigorously. Probably a symptom of how confused humans were about their sexual and romantic relationships.

‘I have a wife who is intelligent,’ Danny continued his self examination. ‘She’s sober and responsible. She can share the burden and joy of raising a family. And I can be proud to present her to my friends and colleaques at dinner functions and parties. She’s great, isn’t she?’

Danny gave a hollow laugh. It was the laugh of irony. The laugh of resignation. It was a terrible laugh.

‘But I also need someone who is wild and unrestrained in bed,’ Danny declared passionately, ‘who is fun-loving enough to try new things and initiate new games.’

Dick pricked up his ears at the sudden lift in the other’s voice. But it was short-lived. The spark in the other’s eyes died and Dick readjusted his ears to the monotone.

‘Unfortunately, sobriety and responsibility in the day carry over into more of the same at night.’ Danny sighed. ‘For a long time, I thought that all women were shy and reticent in bed. Until this… this woman came along. She opened a Pandora’s box of fantasies in me. Fantasies which have been suppressed for a long time.’

Ah! Dick lifted his head off the floor to look at Danny with renewed interest. That’s interesting. Dick had, of course, never witnessed any other couple in the act of copulation. He had only seen Danny and Serene together and assumed that all humans performed in like manner. Except for the video tape, of course. He had almost forgotten about the video tape. But it was just a movie. Contrived. Unreal. Dick did not think it was a serious representation of real women!

‘You don’t believe me?’ Danny looked indignant.

Dick stuck out his tongue and wagged his tail.

‘It’s true!’ Danny protested. ‘She has exalted lovemaking into an art form. A dance. A song. You never knew what she was going to do.’

Danny was pouting now. His exhilaration was like a candle flickering in the wind. It burned brilliantly in his heart for a moment but was soon snuffed out by the cold cerebral currents.

‘If I chucked this Pandora’s box out of my life and reverted to the dutiful husband and father that I should be, I think I’d shrivel up and die.’

A pause.

‘Am I asking too much out of life?’

Dick cocked his head to one side. There was a hundred thoughts flashing through his mind. There were questions he wanted to ask. If you keep your Pandora’s box and lose your intelligent, sober and responsible wife, would you be happy? He wanted to ask.

Danny sighed. It was a long, deep sigh as he pondered the same question.

Dick sat upright. He had many more questions. If you have fantasies, he wanted to ask Danny, what about Serene? Does she have fantasies too? How was it that Dick had never heard them talk about such things? If these fantasies were so important, how could they talk about the most mundane things in life and yet be secretive about their fantasies? And what if Serene could learn to be more active? Wow! That would open up a whole new Garden of Eden more rewarding than a Pandora’s box.

Dick was getting excited with his ideas now. He was panting. He licked his lips and wagged his tail vigorously.

‘Woof!’

He barked at the man sitting beside him with an air of resignation.

‘Woof!’

He barked at the face of helplessness slouching on the floor.

Danny was bewildered. He looked at his companion. There was enthusiasm in those alert ears and hope in those doggy eyes.

‘You think I should make another try with Serene?’

‘Woof! Woof!’

‘You think I should talk to her about my fantasies?’

‘Woof! Woof!’

Danny sighed. That was easy for a dog to say.

H

Dick was glad to see the three of them coming home together. It was Sunday evening. Danny had made a few heart-rendering telephone calls to Serene and gone to her mother’s place to persuade her to come back. A few hours later, they trooped through the door with the baby half asleep in Serene’s arms. A silent, solemn trio. Dick was the only one exuberant with happiness. He yelped and pranced around their feet as they went about their business. And they were busy, indeed.

Dick did not know why they were so busy on a Sunday night. Until bedtime. That was when he realized that the family arrangement had changed. The baby slept with Serene in the master bedroom. Danny was sleeping in the baby’s room. And Dick… well Dick could choose which room he wanted to sleep in.

The next morning, Danny left for work early. So, instead of the foursome knocking on the door of her mother’s home, there were only three of them. At the end of the day, Serene came to pick Dick and the baby. They arrived home to find Danny already home and in the kitchen. Surprise! The peace offerings which he contrived for their dinners did not go unnoticed. Serene tucked into them indignantly and grudgingly. She ate quietly and purposefully, as if each morsel of food held hidden meanings and subtle messages. But the man’s efforts were not unappreciated. Even though they ate separately.

The weeks breezed by quietly. Nobody spoke about the video tape. Nobody spoke about the photograph. Nobody spoke much.

The baby was, of course, oblivious to the household climate. The stupid brat made as much noise as usual. It was having a whale of a time because Danny was home to play with it so much earlier. In the past, Danny was usually engrossed with homework after dinner. Now, he was full of devotion. From the corner of her eyes, Serene watched the play re-enacted night after night. It was her turn to monopolise the newspapers. Somehow, the newspapers were the sceptres of power in modern homes. Whoever wielded them called the shots. And Serene watched her husband from behind the newspapers.

The weeks breezed by quickly, with the baby flying from one parent to the other in its baby walker every night. If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, then surely the way to a woman’s heart is through her baby. How long could a woman stay angry at a man who cuddled with her baby every night? Dick could feel the cold winds thawing.

H

It was Saturday again. Dick knew because Serene arrived to pick them up soon after lunch. Things always happened on Saturdays. After the usual farewells, they rolled out onto the streets in Serene’s car.

‘So how’s my baby doing today?’ She cooed as she slipped into fifth gear.

The baby ignored the question. It was too content in its baby seat to engage in small talk.

‘Why, you think I’m being mean to your daddy, don’t you?’ Serene continued. She obviously needed to talk. But the baby pointed to a car flashing by beyond the speed limit and gurgled.

‘Your grandmother certainly thinks so.’

Ah! Dick pricked up his ears from the back seat. Some independent counsel from the grand old lady.

‘But you know how your grandmother is,’ Serene soliloquised. ‘She’s old-fashioned. She thinks a wife has to take whatever shit a man throws at her. No way!’

There was a pause as she eased the car onto the expressway. The lanes were full. A tribute to the market economy’s triumph over the Government’s taxes and quotas.

‘The man says he’s sorry. He says he still loves me. He’s sorry for hurting me. How do I know whether he means it?’

Yelp! Dick wanted to speak up. He means it, all right, he wanted to say. But like Tolstoy’s Oblonsky, no one could vouch whether he’d repeat the mistake anyway.

‘He has not said that he’s sorry for having an affair – only for the fact that it hurts me. You see, he doesn’t think it was wrong of him to have an affair. His only regret is that it hurt me! So the next time, when he thinks he can get away without hurting me, he will have another affair!’

Serene stepped on the brakes a little harder than necessary, throwing a startled, whining Dick against the back of the front seats. The baby was, of course, secure against the baby straps.

‘I’m not even sure whether he loves me any more.’

The car had stopped behind a queue. Serene had time to look into the past to find the future.

‘When we first married, he was always gentle and caring. In bed, he paid attention to every part of me from head to toe. I felt as if I were the center of his universe. I felt secure. But that didn’t last long, did it?’ she snorted.

‘Soon he became less and less attentive. I became the planet Pluto orbiting far out in space. I thought it was a natural phenomenon that happens in every marriage. Now I realise that he was already falling out of love then.’

Huh! Dick shifted his weight restlessly. The lady was equating great sex with great love. But it takes two to nurture the one and two to play the other. If Danny had fallen out of love, why did he come home early these past few days to conjure his peace offerings? Dick wished he could understand her logic.

‘Now look at me,’ the woman continued. ‘Older. Less attractive. I’ve wasted my youth in a loveless marriage. Now, when he touches me, I just freeze. I can’t help thinking of the other woman. I feel so insecure and unloved. Do you understand that?’

She reached out and touched the baby’s arm anxiously.

Of course. Dick growled in jealousy. Of course the baby understood. The narcissistic little devil. It had been cuddled and fed and kissed and hugged by all the grandmothers and grandaunts on the entire planet. The baby might think it was the center of the universe. And that delusion would linger on much longer because it was a baby girl. Humans and their beauty culture would see to that! He would not be surprised if the baby grew up to be a narcissistic woman. Dick licked his lips smugly. Perhaps the woman and her baby were chips of the same block.

Someone sounded his horn. Dick turned and stuck out his tongue at the nuisance. The car lurched forward as Serene redirected her attention to the traffic, mindful of the recent spate of road bullies rearing their ugly heads. Apart from the shuffling of the baby in its seat, the trio was quiet for a while.

‘But you know what the most awful thing is?’ Serene broke the silence angrily. ‘It’s what your grandmother said. She said that your grandfather had been unfaithful too. Can you beat that? My daddy! who has always been so kind, so gentle, so loving. I find that so hard to believe! My daddy -- the bastion of moral authority, the man who lectured me on pre-marital kiss, and I'm not even talking about sex, just a kiss! The man who glared disapprovingly at all my boyfriends when they came to pick me up for a date! That was my daddy?  Is there no faithful men left on this planet?’

She raised her hands in perplexity. Momentarily, her wheels were rudderless, lost in the web of marital deceit and betrayal. Dick nodded sympathetically. Yes, humans were complicated with double, nay, triple standards. One standard for guys and another for girls, one for the elderly and another for the young, one for politics and another for the masses! Dick nodded knowingly. Canine morality was far more egalitarian : one standard for all.

 But even as Serene nodded her head in sync with Dick, the mundane demands of the traffic interrupted her eloquence and she seized the wheels resolutely to regain control of her destiny. The cars whizzed by. Some drivers weaved in and out of Serene’s lane impatiently and gave her a dirty look. But she was too upset to notice.

‘And the thing is, she never told me about it!’ Serene swerved the car off the expressway and Dick found himself sliding up against the right window. 'She never said anything about it to me or to dad!'

‘Woof! Woof!’ Dick exerted his presence. Serene glanced at him.

‘Why, have you been listening too?’

What an absurd question! Dick thought to himself. He turned his head indignantly towards the window. He turned his head emphatically the way dogs do. The upper third of his body, comprising his whole head and neck, turned. Like a primary school kid rebuffing another by turning away his whole body seat and all, to face the other way, Dick achieved the same effect by just turning his head and neck.

Serene pulled the car to the side to talk to her backseat passenger. Dick was surprised. They were not home yet. Why had she stopped? He turned back to look at Serene.

‘You think I’ve been too mean, don’t you?’

Dick was caught off-guard by the question. He did not know what to say. He shook his head so emphatically that his entire body shook. He remembered the shock on Serene’s face when she picked up the hotel bills and photograph. He remembered the tears in Serene’s eyes when she marched out of the door. No. Punish the man. Chastise him. He has hurt your ego, your pride and your self-esteem.

Had Serene been the one who had been unfaithful, Dick was quite sure that Danny would have been equally furious. And Danny might have beaten and battered the unfaithful wife too. It was, of course, physically impossible for Serene to do the same to an unfaithful husband. All she could do was lock him out of her bedroom. The man was charged, convicted and sentenced by her. But for how long? She was a judge in her own cause. Could she pass an unbiased sentence?

‘You think I should listen to my mother’s advice?’

That was independent and unbiased advice! Bless the old lay’s heart. Dick nodded his head, but was not sure whether Serene understood. She made no response. She simply turned back to the wheel and they continued on their journey thoughtfully.

H

The rest of the weekend was otherwise uneventful. The newspapers ruffled discreetly on Serene’s lap. She was no longer wielding her sceptre like a firebrand in the night. Thus did the female ego prevail over the weekend. But on Monday night, Danny brought home some flowers and hey, presto! He finally moved back into their bedroom. By bedtime, the baby was back in the baby’s cot. Dick sat up attentively.

But Dick was somewhat confused. The signals seemed somewhat garbled. The special smile was absent from Danny’s face. When Dick hopped into bed with Serene, it was not the soft inviting lady he used to find on such nights. She lay stiffly on one side of the bed, waiting for Danny to fill the void on the other side.

Danny flashed Serene an exploratory smile.

‘Good night.’

The lights went out.

‘Good night,’ Serene echoed.

The curtains danced gracefully in the evening breeze, mocking at the stillness in the room.

‘So, tell me about the video tape.’

Danny’s eyes sprang wide open. He froze.

Dick’s ears pricked up instantly, like antennae homing in on the signals. Lying between the two of them, he was in no man’s land.

‘It’s just a tape,’ Danny mumbled guardedly. ‘It was a silly idea anyway.’

‘But you brought it all the way home. It must mean something to you.’

‘A criminal offence. They could have arrested me.’

‘But tell me abut it anyway.’ Serene was persistent.

There was a pause. Dick could imagine the cogs wheeling in the man’s brain as Danny tried to fathom whether this was a new line of assault on his male psyche.

‘What do you want to know?’ The reply was guarded.

‘I only caught a short glimpse of it. What did they do?’

Serene had not shifted from her ramrod position.

‘They kissed…’

Danny was not sure what this question was all about. He waited for some reaction.

‘They took off each other’s clothes…’

Still no reaction.

Danny turned to look at Serene apprehensively and continued with his descriptive account of the video tape. At every pause he expected a barrage of insults and condemnation from the other half of mankind. He was on a slow boat up the River Kwai and heading to self-destruction. Or a guilt trip with Sigmund Freud regressing from adolescence to childhood. From his first wet dream as a 13-year-old boy to the unlicensed passions in his Pandora’s box. From the first lewd photograph that little boys passed around under the table in school to the audio-visual explosive climaxes (faked or otherwise) locked up in his closet. He expected judgement. Divine retribution.

But Serene did not explode. Instead, she wanted to know more. She wanted detailed descriptions of all the emotions and sensations that accompanied each stage of the bedroom antics. And Danny found himself speaking more than he had ever done before. He found himself exploring deeper into his sexual being than he had ever cared to. It was not an easy process. There were too many layers of cobwebs and dust gathered over the decades of neglect. Too many layers of masks that hid the soul.

Dick did not dare to move. He could feel the tension in their bodies as they searched for understanding across his no man’s land. He listened as the halting monologue progressed into an adults-only talk show minus the humour. He listened as the descriptions strayed from what he had seen on the video tape to antics gleaned from… other tapes? The other woman? Or the inner recesses of the Pandora’s box?

The questions and answers petered out. The words had to sink in before comprehension could lead to acceptance.

But something troubled Danny’s mind. He wanted some answers as well.

‘You know, before all these things started,’ Danny began vaguely, ‘we were quite close… especially in the beginning of our marriage…’

Serene stared into the darkness between her and the ceiling, waiting for the question to take a more concrete form. The question took a long time formulating itself.

‘… whenever I kissed you then… or touched you then… from head to toe… did you think of it as a sex slave then?’

‘No.’

Serene understood what the vague question referred. There was a pause. Her answer sank slowly into the murky waters of introspection.

‘Why not?’

Serene turned over to face the question and the questioner.

‘Because you loved me then.’

She answered bravely, secure in her feminine logic, a logic that divided the world into those who loved and those who lusted. As clear as the light of day is separated from the dark of night. For her, there was no middle ground.

Dick’s ears pricked up. The radio waves that jostled for attention above the electromagnetic static were tense and volatile.

‘I love you now.’

Danny spoke anxiously, beseechingly. His was a statement. But more than that. It was a cry for love. There was slight shimmer of tears in his eyes, caught in the moonlight streaming in through the window.

‘Do you still love me?’

There was a pause as Serene struggled within herself. A strangled sound escaped from Serene’s throat. She could not speak. Dick could not see her expression. Her face was cast in shadows. But Dick could see her neck muscles tightening with emotion. She reached out across the no man’s land to touch the other’s arm and hid her tears in the bed sheets.

‘Then you wouldn’t be a sex slave, either,’ Danny whispered hoarsely.

His voice was broken too. He was struggling with the torrent of feelings that flooded through his heart like a baptism of fire burning through his soul. He had difficulty speaking.

They had crossed the Rubicon. Behind them lay a chasm of fears and misunderstanding. Beyond them lay an unknown terrain and a new frontier. They held each other for a while. They hugged each other for a moment. It was a moment when even the angels held their breath for fear of disturbing their union. A moment when Dick kept as still as he could despite the crushing discomfort of their combined weight. Except for his tail. His tail was joyfully whisking from left to right across the foot of the bed.

Dick would have barked and pranced around in joy. Members of his kindred did not have difficulties expressing their emotions. But humans… their words failed them at their most tender moments. Perhaps it was the complexity of their human emotions. Or of their speech. Perhaps they should learn to be less complex.

Dick whisked his tail from side to side.

XY

END

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